Sometimes we do not know what to say and not say to someone who has lost a loved one, because we live in a society that is phobic of death and pain, and we have not been taught what to say, or we feel uncomfortable with pain or with silence. This makes us say things that, far from comforting, hurt. Here I share some tips that may help you:
1. Avoid phrases like “You’re going to be fine” or “You have to be strong”. “God called them to His side” These statements minimise the pain and the experience of the person who is grieving.
2. Do not try to comfort someone by saying “time heals everything” or that “they are at rest now”. “They are in a better place”. These phrases can make the person feel misunderstood and alone.
3. Avoid making comparisons or giving advice based on your own experience of loss. If you went through the same thing, “don’t say I know what you are going through”. Because every grieving process is unique and personal.
4. Do not ask for details about the death, unless the person wants to share them with you.
The person will be in a bad place for as long as they need to be, do not say to them, “you should be over it by now”. “I thought you would be more upset”, “You’re doing really well”, the fact that the person cries and is struggling does not mean they have a pathology.
Instead, here are some suggestions on how to offer support:
Show understanding and empathy. Recognise the emotional and physical impact grief can have on the person.
Let them express their pain, or not. Grief hurts, and the person has a tsunami of emotions inside that go from pain to rage to hopelessness.
Talk to them about the loved one who died and remember special moments together. “their smile, their generosity”, do not avoid mentioning their name, as this can be comforting.
Offer practical, specific help. Instead of saying “let me know if you need anything”, because the person will not do that, they have too much on their mind, offer your support with concrete tasks, such as organising the mass, making phone calls, taking them to the bank or the doctor, preparing food or doing the shopping.
Ask permission, do not assume, this is a respectful way to show your support and listen to their story. Would you like to talk about what happened? Can I give you a hug?.
Be persistent in keeping in regular contact. Send short messages of support, an emoticon, without expecting a reply, and under no circumstances should you complain if the person does not call you.
Ask them: “how is today going?” instead of how are you?, some people think, how do you expect me to be!
Remember that each person experiences grief differently, so it is important to adapt our support to the individual needs of THE PERSON, NOT OF YOU. To do this you must learn to be comfortable with the pain, the helplessness, the sadness, the silence, so that you will not want the person to not feel what they feel. It is important to build a society that is sensitive to grief and pain. NOT PHOBIC.