Help, my child is trans
I am a trans girl. I never felt like I wasn’t a girl, I have always been very feminine. I like being a girl, dressing like a girl, it’s just that I had to live as a boy for 17 years, and “the problem” started when people told me I “was abnormal”, because I started to feel abnormal, and that was when, in silence, I started to hate my body.
Most trans children really do have to live this way. This situation creates in the trans person a constant feeling of inauthenticity, from not identifying with their own body.
Sadly, the story he/she will start to tell themselves internally will be shaped by the stories others tell about them, by the way they are seen.
The influence of society
We live in a society where the role we play, our dreams for the future and the way we relate to each other are all tied to our gender. Trans children do not fit into this primary way of categorising us, and because of this, some feel uncomfortable and come to think that this condition is intolerable and needs to be corrected.
This is where situations of discrimination, violence and abuse in different social settings UNJUSTLY arise. This not only increases stress, overwhelm, depression, shame, low self-esteem, etc., but also causes constant doubts about who can be trusted; they even suffer great stress over extremely basic things that are natural for everyone else, such as which bathroom they can go into without being attacked.
Every situation that might seem simple to anyone else translates, for them, into overwhelm. This can also be very difficult for families, for the parents of trans children, who do not know how to help them, or how to talk to them, guide them and support them. That is why today we will talk about this subject, “Help, my child is trans”.
Help for parents of trans children
The family, the parents, siblings, friends, the whole environment around trans children, also suffers a great deal during the long and stressful gender transition process, especially if surgeries are involved.
Everyone will have to challenge their own beliefs and value system. For this, a great deal of love, courage, and psychological and emotional support is needed.
Depending on the position each member of your family takes, the gender transition process will be more or less difficult. Interestingly, when parents, partners, siblings, children start to “come out of the closet” themselves and share with others, and find support, empathy and acceptance, it becomes easier for them to start normalising, not just their emotions, but the situation itself, and they will be able to give more support to their family member.
Companionship is crucial for reducing the trans person’s risk of substance abuse, depression and suicide. Especially the companionship of the parents of trans children, since they are the closest protective figures for the child
The fears of parents of trans children.
It is normal for parents to feel FEAR; your child will be, or has already been, excluded, discriminated against and a victim of harassment, and not being able to protect them can leave you feeling powerless, overwhelmed and stressed.
You may also worry that it might not be easy for your child to get a job or start a family. Some parents also tell me they are afraid that they themselves could be fired from their job and/or excluded by others. It is an understandable fear.
The griefs you will face as parents
As parents of a child, you have fantasies about your children’s future, and if your child is trans, you will certainly go through GRIEF because some of those dreams will not come true.
You will also grieve the physical side, because you will feel as though you are facing another person you don’t know, because although there are aspects of their personality that stay the same, their body, the way they speak, dress, behave, their name, pronoun, voice, gestures, physical features, etc., all change. And this leads to a new role for them to play within the family, and it takes time to get used to.
The change of roles in the family, and conflicts
You have had a daughter for 15 years, and now that daughter is no longer a daughter. It takes time to adapt to this new role, because the way you relate to each other psychologically changes.
I remember a patient who said, “I used to walk into the bathroom calmly when I had a sister, but now that I have a brother, I don’t feel comfortable anymore.”
There are cases where this situation creates so many CONFLICTS and problems that trans children cannot live under the same roof as their parents or partner. Even in adulthood, when it is the parents who want to make this gender transition, they do so once their children are adults, to avoid disrupting the family’s functioning.
There are those who even wait until after retirement to transition, in order to avoid problems at work.
And there are cases where they decide to wait until their own parents have died, in order to avoid facing their possible negative reactions.
Help!!! We are parents of trans children: how do we cope with the situation as a family?
During the process, family members try to negotiate the new role among themselves. Adjustments are made little by little, and in this way a balance is found.
When their discomfort with their gender is no longer a secret, when it can be talked about openly, and the person can be reintegrated into the family, feeling that their gender and their body match, it is a very healing moment for everyone.
You will learn to live with presence and absence, with difference and sameness, with being and not being. And to make sense of the whole experience. If you are one of the many mums or dads of trans children, remember you are not alone. If you need help, get in touch with me!
I HOPE YOUR CHILD CAN BECOME WHO THEY ARE!