When a loved one has died, one of the most painful decisions we have to make is to part with their possessions; this can create a conflict for us because being surrounded by their things makes us feel close to them, since they bring us memories, stories from our life together, and at the same time it confirms their death to us. This dilemma leads us to ask ourselves, what do we do with the belongings of someone who has died?
How and when to begin?
what to keep?
what to get rid of?
The truth is there are no rules and no deadlines; every person is unique, what matters is that you take your time and, as far as possible, do not make impulsive decisions, but above all do not do anything you are not ready for.
GUILT
It is an emotion you will have to deal with during grief for many reasons, but in this case it is because you may feel that getting rid of their belongings is like trying to erase them from your life.
I have observed that some people who have lost a child tend to leave their room untouched and take refuge there when they need comfort, or to feel the bond is still alive, as if they were waiting for them to come back.
PAIN AND RAGE
These are emotions that often come up in session. Some patients get rid of everything in the first days or weeks. It is as if they think “if I don’t see it, it doesn’t hurt”, but nothing could be further from the truth, because as time passes they can come to regret it. My advice is that, as far as possible, you try not to rush and do not get rid of absolutely everything. DO NOT MAKE important decisions. Keep the items that have the most sentimental and financial value.
When you are ready to begin this task, these ideas may help you, but remember, in the end only you decide what is best.
1. Think about whether it is something you want to do alone or whether you would rather have someone with you. If you want company, make sure that person is practical and understanding and that, even if they sometimes question you, they respect your decisions.
2. Get boxes or bags in advance, and I recommend making 3 groups: Keep, Not sure, Give away, based on value. Be practical in your decisions.
3. It is always easier to start by removing the objects that cause you distress; a wheelchair, the oxygen tank, etc. Then you can start taking out the things they did not use, less emotional things. Go little by little, start with a drawer, a wardrobe, a room. Take breaks, pace yourself, since this is a painful experience. Psychological therapy helps during the process.
4. ASK family and friends if they want to keep anything before you start giving things away.
5. DONATING to organisations so others can benefit from their things can help you feel good.
6. Family disagreements often arise over decisions that have to be made about possessions, especially if they are not named in the will. This can cause anger and frustration. You can seek the help of a mediator, because you do not need this extra stress on top of the pain you are already feeling.
WHAT TO DO WITH THE BELONGINGS OF A DECEASED PERSON?
so that we do not have to ask ourselves this question, I always recommend that, now that we are alive, we talk as a family about our death and about what we want to happen when it draws near and after we are gone; for example, whether we want to exercise our right to die with dignity, whether we want to be resuscitated or not, burial or cremation?. Let’s talk about the kind of funeral we want and about how we want to divide up our possessions.
Talking about these things while we are alive will mean that when we are gone our loved ones have a guide for how to act, and it will guarantee that our wishes are carried out.
I have seen families devastated by the pain of losing a loved one, and having to deal with legal matters causes them extra stress that leads them to become physically and emotionally ill, and even forces them to incur unnecessary legal costs, not to mention the family problems this brings.
Making these matters clear will be one final gift to our family, who will not have to struggle with these decisions.