By: Martha Escamilla – Psychologist
Thinking that a loved one might want to take their own life can fill us with panic, and/or we avoid talking about it, because we do not know what to say or because we are afraid that if we talk about it we will give them ideas to do it. However, talking about suicide in an empathetic way does not result in more suicides; in fact, it does exactly the opposite, and in many cases a suicide can be prevented. I hope this article gives you some tools to help someone who is having suicidal thoughts.
RISK FACTORS:
Having lived through one or several TRAUMAS: sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse, war, chronic illness. When a person has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), it is because their brain has been traumatised, and this produces a series of symptoms that bring on feelings of depression, helplessness and hopelessness.
When the person is facing a LOSS or is afraid of a loss, such as: academic failure, arrest, imprisonment, bullying, shame, humiliation, cyberbullying, financial problems, the end of a relationship, loss of a job, loss of friends because of sexual orientation, loss of social status.
CHRONIC PAIN, a terminal illness, feeling like a burden to others can lead a person to isolate themselves and want to take their own life. There are people who do not want to kill themselves, but they do not know how to ask for help, or they do not want to be a burden to others.
SUBSTANCE ABUSE can increase suicidal ideation and will make a person act impulsively. There are also some medications that produce suicidal ideation.
PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS, there are those who are determined to die and will keep trying until they succeed.
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEATION:
It is important to explain to the person that in moments of intense pain, sustained stress and emotional suffering our nervous system can become compromised, it “collapses” and stops us thinking clearly and finding the resources to move forward. That is when we start to isolate ourselves, and we can feel that no matter what we do we will not be able to get out of it. That is when suicidal thoughts start, it is not really about ending one’s own life, but about ending this state of deep pain and helplessness, which is unbearable.
These suicidal thoughts do not happen overnight; rather they are the result of a large number of factors over time which, if they keep getting worse or do not improve, lead the person to design a plan of action to take their own life.
Many do not seek help out of shame, and there are others who, to put an end to the shame, decide to end their life. If shame is replaced by understanding, it will probably be easier for the person in crisis to ask for help and for the other person to listen without judgement. Unfortunately we live in a society that “punishes the weak, the different, the minority”, and this can make the person in crisis feel ashamed of their state and/or situation, and they end up isolating themselves even further because they feel there is no safe space where they can share their despair. This isolation not only intensifies their agony, but also prevents them from asking for help, and they end up concluding that the best solution to their problem is death.
A few weeks ago I heard about a wonderful man, a family man, a professional, “successful”, who took his own life. The person telling me about it, in trying to understand why he had killed himself, said to me “but he was a good human being, a good person, he was a famous doctor”, as if that condition should have exempted him from suicide. The truth is a person does not decide to take their own life because they are a good or a bad person. Suicide does not respect age or social class. There are people who apparently have everything and still take their own life.
WHAT YOU CAN SAY:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been talking a lot about death and about wanting to be dead…
Are you thinking about killing yourself?.
What do you want to stop feeling?.
What is making you want to take your life?.
Are the suicidal thoughts there all the time?.
Do you just have an idea, or do you already have a plan?,
How can I help you?
LISTEN WITHOUT judging, without telling them what to do or not do. Validate their emotions. Likewise, if they say they do not want to, explain to them what I say at the beginning of the article.
If you cannot listen to them because it causes you distress, tell them so, talk to them about your fears, but do not turn yourself into the centre of the conversation, do not lecture them. Together you can look for professional help for this crisis.
TAKE CARE OF THEM, DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE. If they ask you to keep it a secret, tell them “right now, because of the stress, you are not thinking clearly, and because I care about you, I need to tell another trusted adult” in order to get the right help. You may feel like you are betraying them, but thoughts like this should always be told to a trusted adult and taken seriously.