when everything loses meaning
We know that losses are part of life, but when the death of a son or daughter, a partner, a father or mother, comes violently, suddenly and unexpectedly, the impact is so strong that your body experiences it as a threat.
And I stress the word impact, because it is something you were not prepared for, and when you hear that your loved one died because they had an accident, took their own life, had a heart attack, were killed, etc.; the pain is so deep that in that moment your body, your heart and your brain receive an electric shock. The horror of their death is so overwhelming that your brain starts to produce cortisol and your nervous system begins to numb you.
Some people say they are there without really being there; and in this state you go about arranging the burial, doing the necessary paperwork and attending to day-to-day things.
Meanwhile your nervous system is fighting an internal battle to accept the permanence of their absence; Death.
And on the following mornings, when you open your eyes, you want to think it was only a nightmare, that they will come home, that they will open the door, that they will call you, that you will be able to tell them all the important things you never told them, but it is not so.
Their death leaves you with a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness; without doubt you would have done anything to stop it happening, but unfortunately it is a reality and you feel overwhelmed.
Then you start to remember the events surrounding their death and imagine how things could have unfolded differently.
You may come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, you could have done something to prevent their death, and the confusion begins, the rumination of thoughts; you feel their death was your fault because of something you did or failed to do, and you try to find an explanation for what happened.
“If only I had…”, “if only…” “what if…”
All of this is only normal, your system is struggling with the news of their death, with the loss and the problems it brings. It takes time to come out of the state of shock you are in.
Time goes by and the pain, no matter how much you want it to, does not go away. There is no way to speed up the grieving process, you have started a journey that began with that shattering news “their death”.
In therapy my patients come to see that it is not only about “surviving” the horror and desolation of what happened, but about how to move through that pain and have the resources and the strength to deal with everything that is left pending.
Some people say they had to keep living in spite of themselves, that something inside them kept them going on automatic.
And the truth is, when your loved one dies you do not only lose that person, you also lose your relationship with him or her, the bond, the plans you had for the future; you lose what you were when you were with them. A part of you dies that will not come back
Do you keep losing things?, does your memory fail you?, do you find it hard to keep track of time and arrive late to appointments or forget them?, do you feel disconnected from yourself and from others?, do you notice it is hard for you to make even the simplest decisions?.
What used to make you happy and give you pleasure now means nothing to you?, does everything feel meaningless?.
Did you stop believing in God, or did you turn away from Him because you feel He failed you?, do you have waves of crying that come out of nowhere and that you cannot control?.
ALL OF THIS IS NORMAL,
The impact of their death has affected your brain, body, emotions, relationships, immune system, and this disturbs you on a cognitive, emotional, spiritual and physical level. I can help you with this.
Why, even though time passes, can I not get those images out of my mind?
Why does the pain not go away?
Because you have lived through a trauma, and the memories of the event are stored as fragmented pieces throughout the mind, they have not been processed or integrated, and you can feel as though they are happening in the present.
Having intrusive images and thoughts is debilitating and stressful, and it is because of the impact the event had on your nervous system.
YOU ASK YOURSELF, HOW DO I GO ON?
It is all a process, there are no stages, no timelines, for me there are states. There is no correct way to grieve, nor a specific timetable (in my next article we will go deeper into this topic).
You will start to see how the symptoms and emotions fluctuate. You may find yourself moving from crying to rage, from hopelessness to hope, from pain to resignation, from guilt to acceptance.
Where and how do you find the strength and the resources to go on?.
From your family, from your friends, from support groups and from going to THERAPY
BELIEVE ME, it is ESSENTIAL to go to therapy, but not one where you only talk and talk, this does not help you, and neither does just letting time pass.
You need a therapy that helps you, so to speak, to “build muscles” to hold everything you have lived through and will go on living through emotionally.
The therapy I offer helps you integrate and process stressful sensations, memories and thoughts that are in your nervous system, releasing the emotions associated with the memory. This way it will be easier to move through it, move forward and feel more in control of your thoughts, emotions and actions so that you can move through that pain, and you will have the resources and the strength to deal with everything that is pending.
I know you do NOT NEED to hear: He or she is in a better place, it was God’s plan, they are at rest now, you have to be strong, everything happens for a reason, you will come out of this stronger, etc.
In my 30 years of experience as a psychologist specialising in trauma, I have seen people lose entire families in an instant, find their partner who took their own life and have to cut them down, people who lost their mother during COVID (she was handed over at an emergency room door and later they were handed a closed coffin) and many other painful situations.
But what inspires me to do this work is seeing how, little by little, with resilience, support, trauma-specialised therapy, my patients find their way to rebuild their lives.
When my patients feel lost, I invite them to picture themselves in a forest in the middle of a misty, dark night, you cannot see anything, there is nothing to hold on to, and suddenly a vine appears (the kind Tarzan used to swing from), you grab it, you hold yourself up, and you stay there until another one appears, and that is how you make your way through, the dark night of the soul, from vine to vine.
If you need help, it will be a pleasure for me to accompany you in remembering and honouring the time your loved one spent in your life. Remember and bear in mind that being well does not mean you will forget your loved one, they will always be part of you, what matters is how you transform the guilt and focus on what they gave you and what you shared.
CONTACT ME!