REVEALING SECRETS
Sexual violence, incest, sexual abuse, rape, sexual harassment, tend to be one of the forgotten or hidden causes that lead some people to seek psychological help or another type of treatment.
Many people who have suffered sexual violence do not see the possible connection between the symptoms, or the post-traumatic stress they present, and the abuse they went through as children. Most of them do not even remember what happened to them, and others remember it only very vaguely.
Some patients go through several treatments and it takes years before they reveal that they were abused, or before they remember what happened to them, and this is because the very defence mechanisms that initially protected the abused person and locked this problem away, will prevent recovery and change if they do not receive the right treatment.
Consequences of abuse or sexual violence: Post-traumatic stress
Every sexual abuse is a violation of the body, of boundaries and of trust. It is a rupture of personal, emotional, sexual and energetic boundaries that causes deep wounds. It leaves scars at the physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological level, which produce in the person a series of symptoms consistent with a trauma-related stress disorder.
However, these symptoms can be the seeds for beginning the recovery process.
Abuse in children
Sexual violence in children, adolescents and adults is more common than people think.
Studies show that one in every four girls and one in every eight boys will be sexually assaulted before turning 16.
In 90 per cent of cases the abuser is a man. In more than 80 per cent of cases it will be someone known to the victim.
Most of these acts go unpunished, since this subject is part of a taboo. The ignorance and lack of understanding of the family, the culture and the justice system, who often blame the victim and cover up for or excuse the abuser, mean the person does not report the act, turning the abuse into a secret. This aggravates the consequences of the child’s post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are at least 10 million “secret survivors” who carry the burden of an abuse they have never shared.
Many children do not speak up, because they fear that if they tell, they will not be believed, or they will be blamed. They feel responsible and ashamed.
Sexual violence in men: why is it different for an abused man?
In the case of a man, it is harder to tell. Because if a man reveals that he was sexually abused, his “manhood” and sexual orientation can be called into question.
Generally, people assume that when a man sexually attacks or rapes another man, the offender is homosexual, and that the victim may become homosexual too and go on to become an abuser later on.
These popular notions are mistaken; they are rooted in the myth that sexual assault is mainly about seeking sexual gratification, and people ignore the issues of power and control.
However, not everyone who was abused will become an abuser, although it is true that many abusers were abused as children.
Consequences of keeping the secret.
Although sexual abuse is a taboo for many, it is important to talk about it, in order to heal, educate and prevent it, because otherwise:
— The abuser does not receive the punishment and psychological treatment they need. Because of this, the abuse will be repeated.
— The victim will not receive the appropriate and necessary psychological treatment. This perpetuates the stress symptoms that come after a trauma, which will limit their life.
— Women who have a history of incest are more vulnerable to becoming rape victims, if they are not helped.
— On the other hand, in families, traumas tend to repeat from generation to generation. In some families you can see how rape or abuse passes from one generation to another if it is kept secret and nothing is done about it.
— Another serious problem that arises is that there is a strong correlation between sexual abuse or coercion and high-risk sex and unwanted pregnancies. Especially in adolescents.
That is why it is so important that we talk about sexual abuse, and recognise it as a social problem that needs to be addressed. Because keeping silent is another of the reasons that causes the stress.
To help you understand this process better, read my article: Rape: The Victim Who Reports Her Attacker. Another Trauma, or a Release?
Let’s identify sexual violence
These are attitudes and behaviours carried out by an adult (generally male) for their own sexual satisfaction, with a girl, boy, adolescent, adult, or their own partner.
When the abused person is a child, the abuser uses emotional manipulation such as blackmail, deception, threats, violence, etc. It is important to consider that a behaviour is abusive when it is experienced and felt this way by the person, when they are looked at or touched in a way that makes them feel intimidated. The victim is never to blame. The abuser is always the one responsible.
The motive behind the attack or sexual violence is not primarily the offender’s pleasure or sexual satisfaction. In fact, it has more to do with power, control, domination and humiliation, regardless of whether the victim is male or female.
Sexual assault is a form of violence in which “sex” is used as a weapon against the person being abused, says Román González.
Characteristics of the offender
Rapists are not always “dirty old men”, as we might call them. They are normal, respected people. They may even appear to have firm moral and religious values. For example, the father, uncle, cousin, brother, stepfather, grandfather, neighbour, youth leader, teacher, spiritual/religious guide, doctor.
Most abusers deny the sexual abuse vehemently. Only under legal evidence and pressure do some partially accept the accusation, but they claim that “it was nothing serious, nothing important”, “I didn’t hurt them”, “it was their fault”, “children don’t feel anything”.
When they are found out, they tend to claim they are terribly sorry, that they will never do it again, that it happened because they were drunk or on drugs. Sex offenders are very convincing. To the point that they may make us seriously doubt the child. But let us remember that girls and boys do not lie about such a serious matter, since they knew little or nothing about sex and its language.
Sex offenders reoffend and repeat their abuse, unless someone intervenes and stops them. Practically none of them will give up voluntarily. They usually need judicial intervention and psychological treatment to do so.
Despite the remorse sex offenders may feel, we know they tend to reoffend and repeat their abuse. Practically none of them will give up voluntarily; instead they will need the justice system or professional psychological treatment.
Causes of post-traumatic stress: the consequences of rape and sexual abuse
Most girls and boys who are victims of sexual violence do not tell anyone, because they believe people will think it isn’t true. They feel responsible and ashamed in some way. Sometimes they do not even know the vocabulary needed to talk about the subject. So they cannot express themselves properly. Although they generally do not express it verbally, they do so through certain changes in their behaviour.
Sexual abuse has different consequences:
— Being raped by a stranger has different ramifications than being raped by a family member.
— Being sexually abused as a child is more devastating than when it happens as an adult, because there is a feeling of betrayal and a confusing relationship with the abuser. When it happens as an adult there are many feelings, but the confusion and sense of betrayal are not the same.
— The effects are different if a child has been abused once than if they are abused over a long period of time.
— It is harder for a man than for a woman to tell that he was raped. If a man reveals that he was sexually abused, his “manhood” and sexual orientation are called into question.
Attention! Symptoms of emotional stress from sexual violence
It is important to note that if you have some of these symptoms, it does not mean you were sexually abused; these symptoms can also be present when there are other types of trauma.
Physical symptoms
They show up as illnesses that cannot be diagnosed, or that have no organic cause, such as depression, phobias, anxiety and psychosomatic problems. Because of these symptoms, the person may think they are going crazy.
Other emotional symptoms
— Inability to regulate affect, meaning the person feels “flooded”, overwhelmed by emotions. On the other hand, they may also feel anaesthetised, numb, going through life as if without feelings, like a robot.
— Anger, fury and rage. The person who has been abused has many reasons to feel rage and anger. They have been hurt and mistreated. These feelings are widespread.
— Problems and difficulty relating to other people, socially and sexually.
— Fear of intimacy and an inability to set boundaries and assert themselves. They are either too permissive or too rigid with their boundaries.
— Hatred of their own body, feeling dirty.
— Personal devaluation, poor self-esteem.
— Self-harming behaviours, with mutilation through cutting, burning or hitting, and suicide attempts.
— Abuse of alcohol, nicotine, work, drugs, violence.
— Eating problems
— Difficulty trusting others. They have no support system.
— Confusion.
— Shame.
— Fear, anxiety, terror and phobia.
— Fear of losing control, or feeling they have no control.
— Amnesia, not remembering specific events, long periods of time, or part of their life.
— Hypervigilance, the person is always on alert, unable to sleep or relax.
— Intrusive images of the abuse while awake.
Sexual abuse: the victim’s feelings of guilt
This guilt is based on the inability to make a clear distinction between consensual and non-consensual sex.
On the other hand, there are people who may feel pleasure when the abuser stimulates their organs. This can create confusion and guilt, common stress symptoms after a trauma of this magnitude. They do not understand that the body is designed to feel pleasure when certain parts are stimulated.
Feeling of dissociation
The person feels as if they are outside their body. It is as if they were watching from outside. The child sees their abuse as if it had happened to someone else. They are outside their body; there is a disconnect.
This dissociation helps them survive, but it should be temporary. Problems arise when this dissociation becomes a way of life. This is why people say they sometimes feel as if they are in a dream. Dissociation can also affect parts of the body; there are parts they cannot feel.
The real cause of the symptoms
Keep in mind that if you have some of these symptoms, it does not necessarily mean you have suffered sexual abuse. They can be signs of post-traumatic stress disorder arising from other situations. For example, when a person undergoes surgery, the body can also experience it as something invasive and traumatic.
If you want to understand some other causes of your emotional trauma, you can read my article: Trauma: What It Is and How to Come Through It?
How do you come through the depression and anxiety of a trauma?
Survivors of rape and sexual abuse can walk this path in different ways.
Some do not go to therapy to learn how to overcome the stress after the psychological trauma, and its symptoms. Unfortunately, because of the sexual violence they suffered, they continue living in a limited way.
Others decide to go to therapy and see that “Trauma is a fact of life, but it does not have to be a life sentence.” — P. Levine
What do you choose to do?