“Gaslighting” is a form of emotional abuse that, although, it starts with “good intentions”, as a way of helping”; but with time and emotional closeness it turns into manipulation. The person doing the gaslighting wants to exercise control and influence over you, in order to dominate you. This person will make you doubt your judgement, your memory and your perception, and when they make you doubt continuously, you lose confidence in yourself.
If you are in this situation and you are asking yourself how to get out of it, it is important that
you understand what “Gaslighting” consists of, and the physical and emotional consequences it has on you.
By understanding and becoming aware, you will be able to develop a plan, strengthen yourself and look for the help you need.
MY EXPERIENCE WITH GASLIGHTING:
This happened a few years ago and it was an experience that left a very bad taste in my mouth.
He “was a senior executive”, the owner of a company, who was helping me with a project. I was excited because what we could do together was interesting and would help my professional career. We started with concrete objectives and defined delivery times. But, as time went by, he didn’t keep to what we had agreed, he changed everything he had promised, he raised the price, even though I had already paid.
If I asked him about the deliveries, he would get angry or say “after everything I’m doing for you”! And if I questioned him he would add, don’t you trust me? I would have loved to answer “Well no, I don’t. Dealing with you is a nightmare”, but I was scared to say it because he had the upper hand!. So I would answer, “no, it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I’m confused, please remind me what we’re going to do, I want to understand it”. I would show him the information he had given me with the timelines and he would say he didn’t have time for these things, that he was very important, blah blah blah…
Ugh, just remembering it, I notice it activates me!
I started waking up with anxiety, anticipating his emails, always aggressive, and not knowing how I was going to get out of that contract. Logic didn’t work with him. He would stop replying to me and the last thing he told me was that he would send my emails to “a group of people on a board of directors” so they could analyse my “behaviour” and that HE, NOT I, would contact me, a couple of weeks after that analysis. I would have loved to be able to say to him “You can’t do that, where does the confidentiality of what we’ve discussed come in?”, but saying it would have meant starting another war!.
I no longer knew whether to laugh or cry at how absurd the situation was!.
In fact, it wouldn’t have bothered me if others read it, I even thought I hope someone sane sees this madness. but I didn’t have time for this.
Many times we have to deal, professionally, with people who think differently, but we should be able to have the maturity to question things when we don’t agree or when something that was agreed isn’t kept, and the other party should also be able to respond to us with the same maturity. In my case, quite simply, whenever I asked, he would cut off communication, it was unbelievable, so I said no more!. I preferred to lose my money and recover my emotional wellbeing.
Have you experienced something like this?
If you have, then you can understand when I tell you that this situation drains you, it affects you physically and emotionally because our cortisol levels are through the roof in every conversation!. I even asked myself, what have I done wrong?. With him I felt insecure, it was so frustrating that he would minimise what I said and not keep to what had been agreed!.
THEY WILL USE PHRASES LIKE
“Other people say you’re very complicated too…”
“After everything I’ve done for you”
“You’re crazy”
“You’re overreacting.”
‘I was only joking!’
“You make me behave this way.”
“If you loved me, you’d…”
“What are you talking about? You’re just confusing me.”
CHARACTERISTICS:
They stop talking to you and give you “the silent treatment”.
They accuse you of being irrational or selfish for expressing your needs
They trivialise or downplay their harassing behaviour.
They lie to others about their rights.
They don’t accept the consequences of their actions
There are different rules, for others and for him.
Characteristics of the person who does GASLIGHTING
They can be people with narcissistic traits who lack empathy or emotional intelligence.
They CANNOT empathise with others or see things from another person’s perspective.
They probably aren’t aware of how their actions affect those around them, but they’re not interested in seeing it either.
Trying to talk to them is a waste of time, they like to argue and twist things in their favour. They will do everything possible to regain control. They may deny their actions, try to deceive you or even retaliate, becoming more and more aggressive, verbally and/or physically.
It’s rare for a gaslighter to apologise, admit they were wrong or stop doing it.
WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS?
These people possibly have an ANXIOUS AMBIVALENT attachment style, which comes from their childhood. Because their parents were ambivalent, inconsistent in their care, and rejected or neglected the child’s emotional and physical needs. For them their children were only worth their achievements, not who they were. This type of attachment comes about because the expression of emotions or feelings oscillates between two opposite poles:
stability and instability, love and hate, or security and insecurity.
So as children they felt insecure and had difficulty having close relationships. And now they replicate this environment in some of their relationships.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
“If you keep talking to me like that, I’m leaving”.
“I hear you, and that’s not what I experienced, we remember things differently”.
“I’m leaving if you keep talking to me like that, we’ll talk when you’re calmer”.
“I’m not interested in debating what happened with you”.
“I take responsibility for myself, but not for you”
“I’d appreciate it if you spoke for yourself and not for other people”.
“You may love me, but I don’t agree with the way you speak to me”
HOW TO GET OUT
1. Learn about gaslighting, the differences between gaslighting and self-defence
2. Keep a diary, record evidence that helps you validate what has happened
3. Try talking to a third party, explain what you’re going through, don’t stay alone with it. This is something the person doing the gaslighting wants you to do
4. Take time for yourself
5. Seek psychological help.