Have you ever wondered why some people find it difficult to apologise, or even to admit they’ve made the smallest mistake? We all make mistakes, ranging from simple things like bumping into someone, spilling a glass of water on the table, to more important things like having been unfair, having forgotten an appointment and left someone waiting, etc. and the normal thing is to say “sorry”, but there are those who aren’t capable of doing it even when their “mistake” is clear.
And that’s because, psychologically speaking, for these people admitting they’ve made a mistake is emotionally uncomfortable, their nervous system perceives it as dangerous and they become defensive, feeling “exposed” is a threat to them and an internal alarm goes off that makes them feel fear, shame, helplessness, or simply feel “nothing” at all.
These reactions probably come from childhood memories where they were made to feel ashamed when they made some mistake, and so they are more sensitive to these situations. This is why a part of them becomes defensive and unconsciously protects itself, either by FIGHTING, FLEEING or shutting down, because they can’t connect with their emotions and can’t manage to feel empathy for you. They simply can’t do it.
To get to the point of admitting we’ve made a mistake, taking responsibility and apologising, we need internal resources and our nervous system needs to stay within a window of tolerance wide enough to be able to listen without becoming defensive.
1. Past experiences and personal history. Being confronted can make them feel vulnerable and/or fragile, and possibly, unconsciously, they fear being punished, shamed or abandoned. So when they are confronted and told “you’ve made a mistake” they hear “you are a mistake”. They can’t separate the action from the self and this creates shame in them. As a child they probably heard “you are bad” instead of “I don’t like your behaviour”.
2. Apologising can seem like an admission of failure or a sign of weakness. This threatens their sense of identity and can generate emotions like anxiety, guilt, shame or sadness. When confronted they will fight, or say “I’m sorry you feel that way”, “it’s your fault”, they attack or minimise, or else they leave and stop talking to you.
3. Apologising can seem like an admission of failure or a sign of weakness. This threatens their sense of identity and can generate emotions like anxiety, guilt, shame or sadness. When confronted they will fight, or say “I’m sorry you feel that way”, “it’s your fault”, they attack or minimise, or else they leave and stop talking to you.
4. FEAR: They think that saying “sorry” will bring more problems, more conflict and recrimination, and that ultimately they will be taking on all the responsibility and this will release the other party from any blame.
5. Control of emotions. They often feel more comfortable with anger, instilling fear or distancing themselves emotionally. Experiencing emotional closeness and vulnerability is threatening, and they fear that by apologising their psychological defences will collapse and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair, leaving them powerless to stop it.
6. They were never taught to apologise. In their home everyone took what they needed without the other person’s needs mattering, and during arguments people were hurt easily without there being any consequences. Not apologising makes them look strong, and when they blame circumstances, deny the facts or attack the other person, they feel empowered rather than vulnerable.
7. They are narcissists. They are incapable of putting themselves in your shoes, they have no empathy at all, they are cold and calculating.
Remember that behind their stubborn and arrogant exterior there is an incredibly vulnerable person. Accept, as annoying as it may be, that you are dealing with someone psychologically incapable of apologising, it’s their way of defending themselves, and it isn’t going to change unless they intend to change it. So, practise acceptance, knowing that having an argument with this person is useless. Knowing this will stop you feeling powerless, sad, frustrated or angry, and setting these feelings aside will let you make a decision about this relationship. If a person has a pattern of not taking responsibility, that is a problem and it will surely repeat itself again and again.
The best way to build a solid relationship and show that you care about the feelings of your partner, family or friends is to apologise when you make mistakes, so that both of you can acknowledge and solve the problem and finally move forward.
Trust and vulnerability go hand in hand in solid relationships.