How can I help?: Recommendations for helping a loved one who has been a victim of sexual abuse
Many people often feel worried about how to respond properly to a loved one who has been a victim of childhood sexual abuse, because they do not know how to do it, they cannot find the words, they feel powerless, they feel anguish, etc. It can also unsettle them to think about how this event might affect him/her as an individual, as a couple and/or as a family.
Childhood sexual abuse, a rape, an incest, is a trauma that happens from person to person and affects trust in oneself, trust in others, and relationships. What matters to get through it as a couple is knowing that, as in any relationship, it will require effort and commitment from both, so the bond can be maintained and grow.
Recovery is a process and there will be moments of tension, confusion and uncertainty, but if each person takes responsibility for their actions, takes care of themselves, and knows how to recognise their mistakes, it will be easier to learn to support and encourage each other in building a future together despite the abuse.
A rape or childhood sexual abuse: without help, it is a mark that deepens over time.
Rape, incest, etc., is a trauma and as such it produces symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress. The victim’s nervous system is affected, their brain becomes disorganised, their body freezes and their mind is left confused. Because of this: their relationships, mental health, behaviours, brain development, learning capacity, physical health and spiritual world, etc. can all be affected.
Because of myths, lack of support, learned patterns and the trauma itself, a victim of abuse may try to isolate themselves and heal on their own, but this is not possible. To heal this devastating and sacred wound, which is inflicted by another human being, it is important to have another person present who can help them feel safe, as well as receiving help from a specialist.
People who have been victims of abuse find themselves flooded with emotions and struggle to let those feelings surface, because they relive the sexual abuse, and unconsciously their system blocks those memories, flashbacks and/or freezes.
As I mentioned, a rape ruins the person’s life because it breaks them from the inside, it shatters their soul into a thousand pieces. As a teacher of mine says, “A patient with symptoms does not have an illness, they had a childhood.”
If a child were certain that they would be believed and protected if they told what happened to them, the effects of the rape would not be so devastating.
Recommendations that can help you
If you suspect your partner suffered childhood sexual abuse, but you are not sure, you can ask them kindly…”I have noticed these behaviours in you… Has something happened to you in the past that leads you to behave this way?
Speak without judging and assure them that you are there to listen and that you can seek help together.
If the person has not told you they were a victim of abuse, it may be that he/she does not know how to do it and is afraid of your reaction, or he/she is simply frozen. DO NOT PRESSURE THEM to talk about it, until they are ready.
Remember, it is their decision whether to tell you or not. If he is not ready to do it, it does not mean he does not love you or does not trust you, it means he cannot. Ask them, instead of jumping to conclusions.
Do not pressure your partner to get details of the assault. There are those who want to know the details of what happened, out of morbid curiosity. Ask yourself: do you want to know because it is important to the person, or is it out of your own curiosity?
Physical closeness:
Holding hands, a hug, a kiss, sleeping together, being held from behind, the way someone breathes, a smell, etc. can trigger memories and emotions in the person. It is important to be patient, to communicate and to be sensitive; remember, it is not that they do not love you, it is that their brain fires off, it is automatic. That is why it is important to talk, to listen, to ask them what triggers them, how to do it better…Never catch your partner by surprise, always ask them and/or let them know first.
The victim of abuse had no control over their body, and their boundaries were violated. That is why it is important that you NEVER pressure them (neither her nor anyone) to have sex. Give your partner the time and space they need to feel safe and comfortable. Let them say which positions feel good and which do not.
Remember that sex is not the only way to feel close and have intimacy. Find other ways to show affection.
As a couple, it is important that you learn about the symptoms a victim of abuse may have and how this impacts your partner, so that you do not take personally what he/she does.
For example: if they tense up when you touch them in a certain way, you might think they do not trust you, and that does not have to be the case. It could be a flashback.
It is very important that you talk to your partner about your doubts, frustrations, fears. Always without judging.
You and your partner can make a list of the situations that trigger them: places, certain sounds, specific words, etc. And make a plan of action.
Bear in mind that you will both need help
Take care of yourself and be patient with yourself; the situation can sometimes be overwhelming. That is why it is essential that you get support and take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing, so you can support your partner.
It is important that you accept your partner where they are, and not where you wish they were. Something that happens to people who have suffered sexual abuse is that the wounds are not physical, they are at an emotional, spiritual, physical and mental level. The wounds are in their nervous system; what you see are their symptoms. When a flashback comes over them, remember that inside them there is a hurt little girl, and her essence lies behind those symptoms
If you want to help your partner who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, remember:
Give your partner time, do not pressure or blame them. This would be counterproductive, both for her and for the relationship. Believe me, she lives through hell inside; she would be the first person who would want to be different, but she cannot, her nervous system sometimes hijacks her emotions.
Be honest about how you feel, what you need. And if there is something that is unacceptable to you or that you find difficult to accept, talk about it without judging. Lack of communication is harmful for both of you.
He/she does not need you to tell them what to do, they need to hear:
I’m sorry
I understand you
I understand how hard it is for you to tell me this
Take your time
I BELIEVE YOU
“I don’t know what to say to you, but I’m here”.
To sum up, it is important that you express your love and commitment to your partner. Reinforce that they are not alone, that you will do this together.
Building and maintaining trust is not about fixing things for him/her, but about being present as they move forward on the path to healing.
If we do not acknowledge sexual abuse and its consequences when someone is telling us about it, we are failing as human beings, as a family and as a society.
Minimising or normalising sexual abuse is cruel and counterproductive.
The consequences of childhood sexual abuse are reinforced by the indifference and negligence of the family and/or society. This is sometimes worse than the abuse itself.
If we keep minimising the consequences of sexual abuse, how can we expect victims to speak up and ask for help?
Some people justify rape by “the way the woman was dressed”. Or as Brazil’s minister for the family said, referring to childhood sexual abuse, that “girls are raped because, being poor, they don’t wear underwear.” This is absurdly cruel and shows a lack of information.
Let a therapist help you begin your path to healing, let’s talk.