Another trauma, or a release?
When a person has an accident, is mugged or robbed, the truth of what happened is not questioned. But why is it that when a rape victim reports her rapist, or the person who raped her children, she is questioned and, worse still, the victim herself is questioned. This creates an even greater emotional trauma.
I understand that the presumption of innocence must always be kept in mind, but there is a difference between questioning, investigating, gathering evidence and requesting testimonies, and attacking the victim for daring to report something that is part of the culture of silence …”sexual abuse”.
The path a victim who reports her rapist has to walk is very painful, stressful, lonely and traumatising.
In some countries, judges and social workers have no training whatsoever on this subject. They are full of prejudice. In the end, the victim is not only violated by the rapist, but ends up being “violated” again by the system and the society that turns its back on them.
What moved me to write about rape
The other day I watched a series in which police officers questioned the testimony of a victim who was reporting her rapist. The pressure, mistreatment and emotional trauma she suffered were so great that she herself chose to say she had made up the abuse. And she told her psychologist, “if I had to go through this again, I would rather lie and deny what happened.”
I ask myself: how is it possible that a victim, after living through that atrocity, thinks the best option is to deny the assault? What is wrong with society, with the professionals?
It is because of that sense of rage, of injustice, of powerlessness, and out of the desire to give a voice to those women who bravely come forward, and to those who have not been able to do so in order to protect their lives, that I decided to write about this subject.
Rape: my work as a therapist specialising in trauma
In my profession, I have seen many mothers fight against monsters, wanting to defend their children from an abusive father.
Mothers not only have to fight against the charms of a paedophile, who is usually a charismatic, charming, “empathetic”, manipulative, funny man who knows how to win others’ “affection”. They also have to prove that they are not crazy, that they are not hysterical, and that they are not lying.
In the interrogation, the paedophile knows how to “act”. If he cries, he will be said to be sensitive, and to miss his children. But if it is the woman who cries because she feels powerless, afraid and anguished, she is labelled hysterical, difficult, unable to contain her emotions. Her behaviour will be scrutinised under a magnifying glass. And if the victim of the rape or abuse is a child, their testimony will be questioned and, worse still, they will have to keep seeing their father.
I keep asking myself… and I ask you the same questions:
— Isn’t this traumatic?
— What is going on? Why is there a belief that the victim of abuse, or sexual assault, is lying?
— Why is more anger felt towards the victim who suffered the abuse than towards the person who hurt her?
Testimony: my daughter suffered a rape
I remember a mother who used to tell me:
“… We have to prove we are not crazy, that we haven’t manipulated the children. If we fight for their rights, we are hysterical. If we want to share what we’ve been through with others, we are alone…”
“… People don’t want to know, they’d rather look the other way. Act as if nothing happened, no one wants to get involved…”
“… I also have mixed feelings; it’s not that I want to go around telling everyone what my daughter went through. Of course I want to protect my daughter’s privacy. I don’t want her stigmatised as the girl her father raped. So I try to handle this matter with discretion. This makes me isolate myself even more…”
Do you think the abuse ends when the rape is over, or when the rapist is reported?
As a therapist specialising in trauma, I can guarantee you it does not. Many of us who work in this field, the victims and their families, can testify to that.
From the moment the decision is made to file the report, for many, the nightmare is only just beginning. And this is because the justice system, and often the healthcare staff in many countries, re-traumatise the victim who reports her rapist, due to a lack of training, and because of their own value systems.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of machismo surrounding this subject. For example, if a man sleeps with several women, he is becoming “a man”, he’s all man, but a woman who does the same is a “wh…”, a tramp.
In conclusion: does reporting result in emotional trauma or a release for the victim?
The processes are tortuous, traumatic and truly exhausting. They can literally last for years. With every step taken, it feels as if the victims themselves are the ones being judged. In every situation, you have to prove you are telling the truth, and this often wears you down and re-traumatises you. To the point of thinking about giving it all up, withdrawing the complaint, and carrying on however you can.
On the other hand, we have all heard news of cases that have been manipulated by economic or political influence, preventing justice from being done and putting the victim’s life at risk.
It is no surprise that, despite a mother’s love and strength, a victim of abuse, sexual assault or rape who is fighting for justice will sometimes wish they had never woken up that morning, and wonder whether “all this effort is really worth it”.
How do you deal with the traumatic consequences of reporting?
The victim who reports her rapist goes through situations that are emotionally shocking, overwhelming and threatening, which produce acute stress disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This affects her psychologically, physically, emotionally and financially.
The victim is a person who has symptoms consistent with what she went through; SHE IS NOT HYSTERICAL. She will need years of therapy to heal the psychological consequences, not only of the abuse, but of the process itself.
Sexual violence: how do you manage this emotional trauma?
Treatment takes its time and, sometimes, the path can be long and painful. The abuse will obviously never be forgotten, and there is no reason it should be; it is a real event that happened.
But if we heal the impact the rape had on your nervous system, little by little you will reconnect with yourself, you will learn to regulate yourself and to feel safe. As the wounds heal, you will gradually recover the innocence of the child that was lost at such an early age. You will start to feel alive again, connected; you will learn to be back inside your body and to relate better to others, to set boundaries and start to trust. Your creativity will grow, and you will feel better about yourself.
You will very likely discover wonderful parts of yourself that you had forgotten.
As part of your recovery process, it is important that you find a psychologist to help you. Someone you feel good with. If you don’t know one, ask your friends if they know someone.
Tips for finding the right therapist
Ask your friends or acquaintances, and see whether the person you are asking for a reference has really changed with the treatment they are receiving. Because there can be very pleasant therapists, but if they do not specialise in emotional trauma, people will keep presenting the same problems.
To work with patients who have suffered a rape, and for the treatment to be effective, the therapist needs to know about trauma, have experience, and know different techniques. Otherwise, they may re-traumatise the patient.
Step 1
Call the therapist. Ask them questions about how they work, and see if you feel comfortable with them. It is your right, and this will help you carry out effective psychological therapy that really helps you cope with the situation.
Step 2
Another important thing is that the therapist supports you through your process, lets you feel what you are feeling. That they let you manage your own timing, go at your pace, and respect your silences and your space.
Always keep in mind that therapy is not run on a schedule, and that there is no general rule dictating how things should be.
What can we do as individuals?
It is not only the system that must change, we as citizens must too. If a person were certain that, if they reported what happened to them, they would be believed and protected, the effects of the assault would not be so traumatic and devastating.
Sadly, there are thousands of people who will die without ever having revealed their abuse. We need a justice system and a society willing to help. We need to start transforming our mindset, to become more empathetic.
We must allow victims who report their rapist to do so in a safe way, so they feel protected. This way they will be able to transform that trauma.
Let us build a society that understands what rape victims go through, and that learns to listen without hurting.
Seek help and start healing today…. I am willing to listen if you want to talk!