Mother’s Day is approaching and some people, out of guilt, say they don’t feel love for their mothers, and some mothers feel sad at not receiving any sign of affection from their children.
We live in a society where too many things are established, and taken for granted. One of them can be: love for your parents. But what happens when this isn’t the case. There is enormous terror at saying it out loud because of everything it implies.
NOT ONLY IN CHILDREN WHO DON’T LOVE THEIR PARENTS, BUT ALSO IN PARENTS WHO DON’T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN.
We judge this kind of situation lightly, without thinking that behind such a statement there can be, and almost always is, situations of abuse or neglect. Or that, quite simply, the person wasn’t prepared for everything that being a mother/father involves. There is no magic formula, there is no instruction book to guide us in the hard work of being parents.
But, on this occasion, I want to focus on the world of mothers and their relationship with their children.
NOT ALL WOMEN ARE EQUIPPED TO BE MOTHERS:
Women are expected to grow up, get married, have children whom they must love unconditionally. But we need to be clear that: not all women CAN be mothers, not all of them WANT to be mothers and not all of them are PREPARED to take on that role and carry out everything that being a mother involves.
This kind of expectation harms mothers and their children. Mothers, because, DESPITE THEIR GOOD INTENTIONS and insisting that they love their children, don’t have the capacity to EMOTIONALLY HOLD their little ones and aren’t empathetic to their children’s needs. Some feel guilty about it, but don’t know how to change it.
Children silently carry the guilt for the absence of love towards their mother, or they have learned submission, that is, hiding what they feel to avoid problems with their mother.
THE ABSENCE OF SECURE ATTACHMENT AFFECTS THE CHILD’S ATTACHMENT SYSTEM
As we know, the baby, for its growth and survival, needs its mother’s love, connection and protection. This is the main driving force. But when the mother “isn’t present for her child or her presence is toxic”, this need doesn’t decrease.
The need is so great that even though the mother can’t connect emotionally with the child, the child keeps seeking her out and desperately longing for her. The emotional pain is so strong that as the child grows, they find ways to ease that pain and shut down many aspects of themselves.
THE LACK OF SECURE ATTACHMENT AFFECTS THE MATURATION OF THE CHILD’S NERVOUS SYSTEM
In a way, they die emotionally. When the SOURCE OF LOVE IS THE SAME SOURCE OF PAIN, the child EXPERIENCES AN INTERNAL CONFLICT, a paralysis. This can mean that secure attachment, closeness, trust and love towards the mother do NOT develop.
But, WHY CAN’T A MOTHER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER CHILD?
It can be, among other things, because of the childhood she lived through, the upbringing she received, unresolved traumas, the type of attachment she had with her parents, her relationship with her partner, the type of pregnancy, addictions, etc.
All of this can lead the mother to develop an “avoidant”, “ambivalent” or “disorganised” attachment style with her child, which will disrupt the child’s “secure attachment” towards the mother.
This is probably one of the reasons BEHIND THAT LACK OF LOVE. A lack of love FOR SOMEONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU WILL LOVE MOST IN YOUR LIFE. The key here will be to understand how this situation came about and to work on it.
All parents make mistakes, no one is perfect. But when the same mistake is made systematically, towards the same person, then there is a problem. And if the MOTHER CANNOT ACKNOWLEDGE that she has made a mistake, and justifies her behaviour or even denies or minimises the hitting, the cruelty, the abuse, the neglect, this attitude “BREAKS THE CHILD ON THE INSIDE”.
It makes the child feel confused, flawed, incomplete and lose trust in their mother, in themselves and in the world. And the “avoidant or disorganised” attachment style that has developed will become even more entrenched.
If a mother can own her mistake, apologise, and take responsibility for her actions, she repairs the relationship with her child, sets an example for the child and the relationship becomes stronger. This is very healthy.
HOW TO REPAIR ATTACHMENT?
But mothers who don’t do this lead the child to blame themselves for the absence of love or protection from their mother. John Bradshaw says that the child blames themselves because this way they have an unconscious hope that “if they change their behaviour”, they can do something to make their mother love them and/or change.
For the child it is easier and less painful “to think that the problem is in them”, than to see the painful reality “that they are alone and unprotected”.
What has been set out above can be one of the reasons why a child states or feels “I don’t love my mother”.
If we strip away the myth of unconditional love from parents to their children and from children to their parents, and the reasons behind it, we remove a burden, and this will be the starting point for THE RECOVERY OF EACH ONE… OR AT LEAST OF THE CHILD, in case the mother is unable to acknowledge her failings.